A Tree Fell in Arden

Many trees, actually.

What I’m Thinking

How did I get so lucky?

Like you, I am trying to make sense of the total destruction Hurricane Helene has left in its wake, destruction which I have largely avoided. From my third floor apartment in Arden, life is almost completely normal: I have running water, power, internet, and cell service; none of my belongings were damaged by flooding; I can drive right down the street and order take out from restaurants, and I have. The scariest part of experiencing the storm was watching from my spare bedroom, the room where I write A Tree Falls in Arden, and seeing trees literally fall one after another, but none close enough to harm me. For many, their scariest moments involved much more horror, or maybe they’re still living them.

I can’t help but imagine how things could have been different for me. Jordan and I have been in this Arden apartment for ten months. Our previous apartment was just up the hill from Biltmore Village. I don’t think it would have experienced (or did experience) any flooding because it was on higher ground. But would the advanced age of the building have resulted in some issue? Would we have been trapped at home, unable to leave town, because we couldn’t find a safe route to an open interstate? Would we be without water and power to this day?

Naturally, I think back on our decision to move and feel that a divine force must have been guiding us. Right? Jordan and I had had no plans to relocate when he stumbled across this apartment’s listing in the fall of 2023. It was a matter of days before we up and decided to move, having fallen in love with the idea of more space, a place to house guests when they visited, room to do the things we love. And nearly a year later, it was that somewhat spontaneous decision that put us in such a fortunate position to weather this storm.

But then I think back further than that. Why was I so suddenly ready to move after living in that Biltmore Village apartment for four years? I had plenty of complaints about where we lived, but I don’t think I would have taken such fast, sure action if my best friend hadn’t died just a couple of months prior. (Yes, like everything else, I’m tying this back to them - but I will bring it back around, so bear with me.) My response to Kayellen’s death very much felt like a matter of life and death to me. I knew that if I allowed it - if I did nothing, changed nothing - I would not survive it. I needed something that would give me a boost. I needed a project that would distract me. I needed a “fresh start.” So, on my 27th birthday, Jordan and I moved to Arden - a date I selected because I wanted something to think about other than that I was getting older while my best friend wasn’t.

So was a divine force guiding us? I can’t believe that any divine force would have allowed Kayellen to die so young and the way they did. Or would have allowed so many others in my community to experience such devastation while I was safe and sound. So, the divine force explanation is out.

My mom once shared with me an explanation her friend had offered to her: rather than divine guidance, it’s good decision-making that has led to good fortune. In many cases, I’m sure that’s true. Is it true in my case? Am I reaping the reward of making the great decision to move to this specific apartment complex in Arden? I don’t really believe that, either. I didn’t look at a flood plain map before I signed this lease. We didn’t even tour any other properties in this area. We saw it, we liked it (and the price), and so we moved - there really wasn’t too much that went into the decision. And how does this idea apply to those who didn’t fare as well as we did? There were some people who prepared for this storm as well as they knew how, and they still lost everything.

I am the kind of person that needs an answer to every question. I am not satisfied, or comfortable, with uncertainty. And so even with impossible questions like why was I unharmed, or harmed less, by the hurricane when others were harmed drastically, I need an answer. (And similarly, in the incident of my friend’s death, I want to know why fate took them and not me.) But the only conclusion that has made any sense to me or brought me any ounce of comfort is that there is no reason why I, specifically, was spared - everything was, and is, and will be, totally random.

I think that part of the reason I experienced such intense self-hatred in the immediate aftermath of Kayellen’s death is that I was convinced that the universe got it wrong. Kayellen suffered so much, yet they never gave up on improving their life, and they were a source of love and light for so many. Kayellen was outgoing and compassionate. They saw what people needed and they became that for them. I began comparing them to myself and thinking of all the ways that they were a better person than I was. Surely it was Kayellen who deserved to live, and it was me who deserved to die.

But the universe is unconcerned with morality. It doesn’t “select” who will suffer or prosper, who will live or die. I don’t have to feel like an imposter in the world of the living because there’s no real reason that I’m here. I’m just here.

I’m not sure what implications this perspective has on other issues of existence (for example, if there’s no reason any of us are here and everything is just random, why bother trying to be good? I’m sure some old philosopher has already analyzed this question but I will not be looking into it because I’m not a nerd.) But what I hope this perspective might do for you is assuage some of your survivor’s guilt. There’s no point trying to figure out how you, or I, or they got so lucky. We are all lucky and we are all unlucky. We happened to make it through a terrible natural disaster with as much fortunate as fate randomly allocated to us. Some got less than others. You can grieve the amount that you didn’t get, independent of everyone else’s.

What I’m Reading

I just finished The Midnight Library by Matt Haig, which is about a woman’s visit to a library that exists between life and death. The library is full of books that reflect the infinite ways her life could have gone if she had made just one decision differently. What I appreciated about this story was the main character’s newfound understanding that there is no perfect life. We may have regrets about decisions we’ve made, but we shouldn’t assume that there is a version of our life devoid of pain and disappointment; these negative feelings are necessary for our experience of positive ones.

I’m currently reading The Body Keeps the Score: Brain, Mind, and Body in the Healing of Trauma by Bessel van der Kolk, M.D. I first picked up this book because I was interested in learning about the ways our body hangs on to trauma even without us consciously realizing it. So far, the most surprising thing I’ve learned is that trauma can literally alter our genes - not their fundamental structure, but the way they behave - and these alterations can be passed on to our children. In the past when I’ve heard the term “generational trauma,” I’ve always thought this referred to the way that a parent’s trauma can impact how they behave towards their child, which keeps the cycle of trauma going. But this book has taught me that trauma impacts our actual organism and is literally passed down to our offspring at the genetic level. Interesting! (And tragic!)

What I’m Cooking

This butternut squash pasta recipe from Grilled Cheese Social, which is a fall take on the viral pasta recipe that featured a baking dish of cherry tomatoes and a whole block of feta. I’m proud and intentionally arrogant about the fact that I made it using THREE local ingredients I purchased at the North Asheville Tailgate Market [butternut squash (obvs), leeks (which the recipe didn’t call for but I added myself - double brag), and honey]. Catch me this Christmas asking my family for one of those obnoxiously large woven baskets to tote around with me the next time I’m shopping for local produce.

But on an earnest note, seasonal treats are the only way I’ve been able to indulge in this, my favorite time of year. I didn’t get the chance to enjoy last fall (bestie death) and I was very much looking forward to making new memories that would pave over the pain of the past. But while autumn events/destinations are cancelled/closed, I can at least still shove a pumpkin spice cookie in my mouth and feel somewhat satisfied that I’m taking advantage of the season. I hope you’ll indulge with me!